My Hygge Life: How I Stopped Feeling Overwhelmed and Started Moving through Life with Purpose and Peace

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Learn the 5 reasons I started designing a hygge life. Be inspired to discard external expectations and begin living a life full of purpose and joy.

Please tell me that I’m not the only mom and wife who is completely fed up with society’s unrealistic expectations for modern women!! The messages I received during my childhood and on a daily basis is that in order to be a successful woman I need to:

I truly believed for 40 years of my life that I was responsible for reaching the highest level in each of these areas in my life! This is because I grew up during the peak of the feminist movement.

Now, don’t get me wrong. I believe that feminism began with the right intentions. But somewhere along the way we have lost the key value of feminism: women have equal value to men. It is the idea that no one can tell us our limits or what our lives should look like.

Feminism has simply replaced the “patriarchy” defining our value, to other women putting pressure on us to fight for the lifestyle described above in order to prove a point. 

Well I consider myself a traditional feminist who believes in her right to design a life of her own making. I don’t think anyone has the right to define my value or role. I am taking back my right to build a life around my own personal values and purpose.

In this post I will take you through the 5 reasons I stopped trying to live up to society’s expectations for a successful life and reclaimed my personal authority and joy. Read to the end to learn how to start designing your own hygge life.

Me pre- hygge life: Sick and Lost

It’s sad to say that my chronic health issues began in my early 20s. I was all alone at graduate school striving for perfection in all areas of my life. I allowed myself only 4 hours of sleep most nights and would regularly do 18 hour days in the library. When I began gaining weight, I doubled down on my daily exercise routine and decreased my food intake. Because the part time job I had didn’t give me enough money for all my living expenses I often went without certain necessities.

Stress-Induced Illness # 1: Cushings Disease

After years of this perfectionistic behavior I found myself depressed, anxious, and with a brain tumor that caused an extreme amount of stress hormone to be constantly flooding my entire body. 

Unfortunately, my health was not a priority and I suffered through life for a few more years like this, determined (and succeeding at great cost) at maintaining the same level of hard-work and striving. 

It wasn’t until I became a mom and realized that my health was greatly affecting my ability to be a good mother that I finally took care of my health. When my first daughter was 7 months old, I finally had brain surgery that removed the “persnickeyt” tumor (this is what my neurosurgeon called it! lol). 

I’d like to be able to say that this was the beginning of a new way of life for me, but….I merely saw it as a reason to double down on my toiling. Over the next 10 years I had another child, earned a second masters degree and began a whole new career while maintaining a full-time job and maintaining a level of parenting that can truly only be done when that is your primary focus. 

Can you guess what happened? Do you think that I was able to succeed at all of the many things I was trying to be “perfect” at? If you’re anything like me, then you know that trying to sustain an extremely high level of functioning in motherhood, career, relationship, health, appearance, and housekeeping, did NOT end well! 

Stress-induced illness # 2: Sjorgren’s Syndrome

At the beginning of 2023 my health took a very quick turn for the worse. (I’ll admit that I had signs of failing health for quite some time, but like any good overachiever, I ignored it). By the beginning of March of 2023 I was bedridden and unable to perform any of my roles and responsibilities. This was the beginning of a long year of self-discovery and necessary growth.

I was no longer able to strive for perfection in all areas of my life and was forced to look at who I was without success in any of them. I had to chip away at all of the things that I deemed necessary for being a “good” and “worthy woman” and leave only the fundamental parts. 

The problem was, I didn’t know who I was outside of the persona I had strived to create. I had built a life around working towards a life that I thought other people would respect and accept. Never once had I thought about the type of life that would make me feel happy and fulfilled. 

I was 40, extremely unwell, and completely lost. This forced me to look at my life up to this point and ask myself how I had gotten here. How had all of my hard work torn me down to what felt like less than nothing?

With a lot of time to think and reflect (and consistent therapy), here are the things I realized were inherently wrong with how I had approached life.

5 Reasons why I don’t care about “success” anymore

Reason #1. Important and valuable skills are being lost to unrealistic obligation

Sorry to be starting with such a controversial and wide-ranging topic, but when you contemplate the ever-increasing expectations on women, you also have to consider the broader impact it has on society and future generations.

Do women need to take on masculine roles to prove their worth?

The way I see it, this endless need to prove that women can do everything a man can do and better, is creating a large hole in society. That hole is your traditional female role. The nurturing, caregiving, and emotional qualities of femininity are vital to human development. The more we strive to move ourselves as good enough to men, the more we lose our innate femininity.

Just because a woman can do all of the same things as a man, doesn’t mean that she has to or wants to. It merely means that women have the choice to do those more traditionally masculine roles if she chooses. 

Truthfully, forcing women to be more like men devalues us and our integral skills. As a person who innately has a strong feminine energy, I came to believe that there must be something inherently wrong with me. That who I am at my core is wrong and bad. Constantly fighting against your true self and putting on a mask to please others creates chronic stress. And chronic stress leads to chronic illness. 

Ding, Ding, Ding! I’m the winner of that great prize!

Traditional femininity is valuable!

When society and feminism tells women that they must perform all of the traditionally masculine roles in order to prove that they are just as good, we are merely devaluing women even more. What is really being said is that women and their innate qualities are not good enough. Only when they take on the intrinsic qualities of a man are they proving their worth. 

In other words, traditional female tasks and responsibilities are not vital, important or valuable. 

This message has forced women to move farther and farther away from these tasks and responsibilities, making so many traditional skills near extinction. 

Rather than forcing masculine qualities on our young women, why don’t we become models of feminine pride. We should be inspiring our young girls and women by training and coaching them in learning more traditional skills and embracing their femininity. And at the same time empowering them to define what a happy life is by their own terms. 

We need to reclaim our rich history, expertise, creativity and recover our pride in femininity. 

Reason #2. Feminism & keeping up with the Joneses is expensive!

Maintaining a high level of functioning in all of the areas mentioned at the beginning of this post is expensive! 

The financial cost of being a woman

The beauty standards for women seem to get worse, not better, with time. Women spend an average of $3,756 per year in order to maintain the current beauty standards. You can find more beauty statistics here.  

In order for women to maintain a career at the same time as they have a family, they often forfeit a large chunk of their salary for child care. According to care.com, women are shelling out anywhere from $250-$800 weekly so that they can focus on their careers.

With more time spent outside of the home, many women must hire outside help in order to maintain a clean and tidy home. According to Forbes, the average weekly cost for housekeeping services is $230.

I could keep going, but I’m sure you get the point. Women are spending a lot of money in order to meet today’s standards for them.

The emotional cost of being a woman

And what about the women who can’t afford outside help?! Imagine the emotional and mental toll it takes on them to try and compete with the women who can! 

Speaking from experience, the cost was my mental, physical and emotional health and well-being. It also cost me years of my children’s life in which I couldn’t be the Mom I wanted to be. And the price my marriage paid throughout the years isn’t fair either.

Although I understand that none of us want to feel like we can’t measure up or like we are “failing” in any of these areas of life, what if the problem lies with the standard and not the person? 

What if you choose to live life by your own standards? You can choose to determine your worth by your own value system. Living a simple hygge life can actually help you feel like you are doing better than everyone else!

Ooops, did I give away a significant hint there?

All I’m really trying to say is, ask yourself if buying into all of these unrealistic standards is worth it financially. I’ve decided it’s only worth it if it aligns with my hygge life.

Reason #3. You have nothing if you don’t have your health

“You can have all the riches and success in the world, but if you don’t have your health, you have nothing.”

Steven Adler

As you read in my personal story, all of the striving and external success lead to nothing when it removed my health. Any material, financial, career, or physical success I had achieved couldn’t be enjoyed once I was out of control of my physical and mental well-being.

All of the things I had worked so hard for meant absolutely nothing and provided me with no support in climbing out of the health crisis I was in. In fact, I would argue that achieving success in all of those areas caused my health issues. And if you’ve ever been faced with a health issue that takes away your ability to participate in any parts of life, then you know that the first and most important area of life to find success in is your health and well-being.

The process of healing, both physically and mentally helped me to see life in a very different way. I stopped giving away my control to external influences and began directing my life toward my own definition of happiness. 

The things I strive to design my life around, are things that provide me purpose and meaning, connection and intimacy, peace and calm, and comfort and joy. This hygge life that I now live has helped me crawl out of the pits of physical and mental dis-ease and feel empowered and successful again!

Reason #4: I want my daughters to live a better life than me

The greatest motivator for living a hygge life is to model a better way for my children. I think there are a lot of people who like to see a version of themselves in their children. But it is a better and wiser version of themselves that we hope to instill through our parenting.

It would be heartbreaking for me to witness my daughters waste nearly half of their lives trying to live up to some generic standard of success only to fail over and over again. None of us want to see our children fail! So it is our responsibility to prepare them better.

Children learn the most through what we model as parents. That means we have to practice what we preach, or all the preaching will land on deaf ears. 

I want my girls to have choice, confidence, and an open-minded view of what success in life looks like. I desire for  them to learn how to develop enduring joy and durable inner-peace. Before they leave me for adulthood, I want to have taught them that they, and only they, determine what makes them happy and prosperous. And most importantly, I want them to confidently know that who they are is and will always be good enough!

It is for this hope for the future of my children that I have committed to a hygge life. And if you want to start a new trend for your children and future generations, then you should too.

Reason #5: A Hygge Life is just better in every way!

Okay, here’s the big reason for my waxing diatribe:

This new hygge life that I’m living has the ability to change people’s lives. I want you to feel the daily joy and peace that a hygge life can bring you. I want to help as many women as I can break free of society’s nasty claws and live life on their own terms.

But I’m getting ahead of myself. Let me tell you why, specifically, a hygge life is the better way.

Why is a Hygge life important?

I’ve named 4 reasons why the alternative to a hygge life is simply not worth it. But understanding what a hygge life has to offer you and why it is important is more salient.

Hygge Life helps you be more connected

One of the main aspects of a hygge life is connection. My hygge life has allowed me to be more connected with:

In a hygge life you create pockets of coziness. This coziness allows you to be more intimate with the most important things in life. 

When you are intimate with something you are in close connection with that thing. Intimacy requires you to be vulnerable and as authentic as possible.

Hygge Life Quality: Connection with Self

When you are connected with yourself you are fully accepting of your strengths, weaknesses and values. You love and appreciate yourself for exactly who you are and you live your life in accordance with things that are most meaningful to you. 

People who are intimately connected with their true self are people who live out their purpose. People who feel that they are living their purpose are happier and more joyful.

Hygge Life Quality: Connection with Others

It can be hard to have an authentic connection with others. One that is built on true love and recognition of each other’s uniqueness. 

In order to build a strong connection with your closest family and friends you must regularly engage in activities and experiences that allow you to be your full selves. These experiences should allow you to appreciate one another as individuals and as a pair or group. 

When you come away from an activity with a loved one, you should feel reinforced in your uniqueness and grateful for their complimentary individuality. It should give you a sense of your place in this world and the value you have to offer to other people. Broadly speaking, an intimate connection with others should reinforce your vital role in the world.

Hygge Life Quality: Connection with Nature

Connecting with nature has broad-reaching benefits. 

Nature supports us in the most foundational ways:

Not only does nature provide us with our basic life-sustaining needs, it has cognitive and emotional benefits as well.

The American Psychological Association published an article “Nurtured by Nature” illustrating how a deep connection with nature has important benefits to a person’s well-being. In the article, Kirsten Weir describes the following cognitive benefits:

It is believed that these effects are due to nature stimulating our body’s parasympathetic nervous system (the part of the body responsible for relaxation). In other words, a connection with nature decreases our stress.

We know that lower levels of stress leads to greater well-being. And greater well-being leads to a higher quality of life.

How do I have a hygge life?

The basic message up to this point has been:

So what are some of the things I do as a part of my hygge life?

If I had to get into all of the things I have changed in my life to regain my physical, mental and emotional well-being, we’d be here all day. But I want to at least give you a glimpse into this hygge life I’ve been touting this whole time.

Here is the short list of things that I do on a regular basis to have a more hygge life:

1. I light candles, turn on a fireplace, or use lamps instead of bright overhead lighting. This makes it feel more cozy in my environment helping me to feel more relaxed.
2. I open windows, decorate with greenery or set myself up outside. This allows me to be more connected with nature and feel more grounded.
3. I make time for simple activities that bring me joy, like reading and walking, every day. This helps me connect with myself and remind myself that I am deserving of pleasure and joy.
4. I create things with my hands that I can share with others. For me these activities are crocheting, baking and cooking. Being able to share these things with my family helps me feel a sense of purpose.
5. I constantly declutter and simplify my living space allowing for maximal functionality. The less I have to take care of the more time I have to spend doing things I love and being with people I love. The more functional a space is, the more authentic connection it creates.

Hygge Life vs whatever the heck the other crappy way of living is

Let’s be honest. No one actually wants to feel overwhelmed, stressed out and unsuccessful. But most of us women and mothers are living this existence on a daily basis. We allow ourselves to get stuck in the rat race of the status quo and feel hopeless to get out of it.

No one can make you take back control of your life. I can’t even convince you to take action with my passionate and raw storytelling. Only you can decide for yourself what kind of life that you want to live.

So what will it be? Are you going to continue to settle for a crappy life with rare moments of joy and peace? Or will you start your hygge life with me and enjoy greater well-being, a higher quality of life and a greater sense of connection?

I’m hoping and praying it’s the latter!